


Tear Me Down, Raise Me Up

by OneWhoSitsWithTurtles



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Flirting, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Making Out, Marking, Pining, Rejection, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Lust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-09 02:07:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8871511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneWhoSitsWithTurtles/pseuds/OneWhoSitsWithTurtles
Summary: Based on this Tumblr post:  Look I’m all for pining Kylo with his feeble attempts at flirting, but can I have some strong stoic Hux?? Whose unrequited love goes completely unnoticed by an oblivious Kylo, so he keeps a stiff upper lip and deludes himself that this all for the best and all he’s really good for is running a ship.





	

Hux had been the First Order General of the _Finalizer_ and overseeing the construction of his planet-sized weapon _Starkiller_ for six months. His right-hand woman was Captain Phasma who efficiently and effectively oversaw the training of all Stormtroopers under Hux's command. His left-hand man was Lieutenant Mitaka who, despite a slight stutter when the man was under pressure, saved Hux from endless headaches by dealing with a lot of behind-the-scenes tasks.

 

The only person Hux answered to was Supreme Leader Snoke. While it wasn't Hux's ambition to play as a puppet forever, for now it suited that his ambitions aligned with Snoke's and that this opened up both protection and resources for his use. Plus, other than providing bi-weekly progress reports and receiving the occasional order to organize another raid to cripple the budding Resistance, Hux was trusted to his own devices.

 

At least, that was the case until Hux was informed he would be receiving a co-commander of his ship by the name of Kylo Ren.

 

To say Hux wasn't happy with the news was an understatement. But he was nothing if not proper and professional at all times, the way he had been raised, so he went to greet the Master of the Knights of Ren when his shuttle arrived.

 

Though Hux's face remained impassive and his posture didn't shift an inch, first meeting Ren was an intimidating affair. The man was noticeably tall and broad-shouldered despite every inch of skin being covered in black armour and cloaking. The helmet over his head was imposing, giving nothing away but a cold, unblinking glare. Not to mention the way Ren walked and held himself, like nothing could stop him from what he wanted and Ren would relish an opportunity to prove it.

 

"Welcome on board," Hux greeted when Ren strode up to him. "I can show you to your rooms."

 

Hux couldn't shake the feeling of foreboding he experienced with Ren walking down the hallways at his shoulder. It was like being stalked by an ominous shadow. He was relieved when they reached the rooms set up for Ren, which were just down the hall from Hux's own. Hux provided the pass code to Ren, who still said nothing and entered into the room behind Hux.

 

"These are the living quarters," Hux said as he turned up the lighting in the room. "That door leads to the bedroom, that one to the refresher, and that to a private study you can set up how you like. The officers' gym is down the hall and..." Hux trailed off and turned when he heard a _click_ and _hiss_. Then he felt his heart skip a beat when Ren set his helmet aside and Hux got a look at his face.

 

Ren was beautiful, though in an unconventional way. He had long black hair that was somewhat flattened by the helmet but appeared to have a natural curl to it. Ren's eyes were big, open and dark, and his lips... Hux tore his gaze away before he could be caught staring, but he couldn't purge the mental question of how those full lips would feel against his narrower ones.

 

" _And_ , General?" Ren prompted when he looked back, his face clear of any expression except slight annoyance.

 

Hux wanted to know this man. The desire for it consumed him like a wave breaking over his head. Who was this beautiful _young_ man dressed in armour with a lightsaber on his hip and ghosts in his eyes? Who was he to be Snoke's apprentice and co-commander of Hux's ship? How would it feel to have this man hold him against a wall and kiss the breath from his lungs?

 

Hux was staring again.

 

"...And if you'd like I could give you a tour of the ship and, tomorrow, Starkiller Base," Hux offered. Thankfully his voice didn't waver, though his heart was still maintaining an irritating patter. The word for it was _smitten_ , and Hux hadn't felt like this towards _anyone_ since a boy that came and went back in Hux's Academy years.

 

Ren stared at him for a moment and then turned away. "I'm sure I will manage fine on my own. Good day, General."

 

The dismissal stung; a direct result of Hux showing interest in someone for the first time in years only to have it shoved right back in his face. "Very well," Hux said stiffly and forced himself to walk to the door. Ren said nothing to call him back – wasn't even looking at him as he explored his new room – so Hux stepped out into the hallway and walked to his own rooms.

 

 _Foolish, foolish, foolish_ , Hux chided himself mentally. No one had ever shown a romantic interest in him before so why would it start now with someone like Kylo Ren? Besides that, he was the youngest General of the First Order and he wasn't going to ruin his reputation by letting himself pine over someone who clearly had no interest in him. Since Hux was young he had learned he was meant to lead and order, not be a family man. Flirting and fostering a romantic relationship was beyond him, hindered by his awkward techniques when he tried and his looks – or lack thereof.

 

No, Hux was good at running a ship and leading an army and bringing the First Order to greatness, and that was what he would continue to focus on. Ren's rejection, while it caused a pained tightness in Hux's chest, had been for the best to remind Hux of this.

 

 _Fool_ , Hux thought to himself one last time as he stepped into his room and locked the door behind himself.

 

#

 

It was obvious to Hux almost immediately that Ren didn't want to be stationed on the _Finalizer_ , though the man never stated this outwardly to Snoke during their holodeck conferences. Not that it mattered since Snoke's placement of them as co-commanders didn't waver or ever come into question. Days turned into weeks turned into months. For the most part Hux didn't even see Ren, who spent most of his days either meditating in his rooms or training in the officers' gym. The only times Hux saw Ren was in mission briefings, in the holodeck when talking to Snoke, and in the gym when they were both working out.

 

Hux's curiosity about Ren didn't diminish, but it and Hux's initial attraction were easy enough to set aside the majority of the time. At least at first. When Ren's presence remained scarce, Hux told himself to forget about the man and focus on his work. Even when Ren showed up but was in his full armour and helmet Hux could keep himself turned away, reminding himself that being rejected a second time wasn't going to feel any better than the first time.

 

But when Hux ran into Ren in the officers' gym and realized that the man did his physical training without his armour and helmet, that was a more challenging temptation to ignore. The first three times Hux walked in on Ren training in his loose-fitted pants and tank top had been an accident;  coincidental. However, by then Hux had learned Ren's training schedule and pattern and if Hux started showing up around the same time most nights... well, who would dare question the General?

 

Hux kept to his own side of the gym but his eyes lingered whenever Ren wasn't paying attention to him, which was always because Ren had never shown a hint of interest in Hux's direction. Which still hurt, and Hux told himself it was all the more reason for him to stop this nonsense and come to the gym at a different time of day, but he couldn't make himself stop. It was too appealing watching Ren's body in motion.

 

With Ren's armour and helmet removed, Hux got a full view of the man's powerful arms, wayward hair that always strayed from the knot it was tied into, and the flush of his skin. Watching Ren's muscles stretch and flex was beautiful in one way and pornographic in another. Each of Ren's movements was precise and powerful. Ren was like a ballerina in full control and able to push his body beyond the edge to achieve his goal. A ballerina Hux wanted to be held to the floor and fucked by until he sobbed.

 

Once, months after this routine had begun, Hux worked up the courage to ask Ren to spar. Hands clasped behind his back to hide how tightly he was clenching them with nerves, Hux approached Ren while he was paused to gulp down water. "Ren," Hux said in greeting and to catch the man's attention.Ren turned to him but said nothing in return. Forcing himself to not turn tail and run, Hux spoke again. "I was wondering if you'd like a sparring partner."

 

Ren looked Hux over then, head to toe and back up, but it wasn't with the same heat Hux knew was in his own eyes when he did the same thing countless times before. "I'd rather not send you to the medbay and have to handle your work on top of my own, no."

 

Hux scowled. "I've had years of advanced hand-to-hand combat training."

 

Ren pursed his lips, looking unconvinced. "I'll pass. Now if you'll excuse me, I have real training to get back to."

 

For one moment Hux considered grabbing the bo staff Ren had left on the floor and breaking it over the knight's head. Such retaliation was beneath him though, and gossip would spread. This rejection hurt more than the last because even if they weren't friends, they also weren't strangers anymore. And how dare Ren think that Hux was so weak that he couldn't hold his own in a sparring match. No wonder why Ren questioned almost every one of Hux's orders, and why he rejected any advancement Hux attempted.

 

To Ren, Hux was beneath him, like an annoying piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his boot.

 

And sure, maybe Hux had nothing worth offering to a romantic partner, but he _knew_ Ren was wrong to assume Hux was weak and couldn't hold his own in a fight and in command. Hux had proven his father wrong – the man who used his dying breath to ensure Hux knew he was seen as a disappointment – and he would prove Ren wrong as well. Hux was the best General in the First Order and some day he would rule more broadly than beneath Snoke's thumb. Then Ren would realize he had been wrong, and he would be sorry.

 

For now, Hux swallowed his injured pride and returned to his side of the gym to finish his work out, not allowing himself to run and admit defeat.

 

#

 

It was easy enough for Hux to tell himself that Ren was just an attractive asshole; one better avoided as much as possible. It was harder when months turned into a year, and then two, and for better or worse Hux began to learn more and more about Ren.

 

It was inevitable that over the two years Hux and Ren were stationed together on the _Finalizer_ , they would be forced to talk despite Ren's apparent aversion to doing so. Since Ren seemed uninterested in personal conversation and small talk, he and Hux mostly communicated when discussing missions against the Resistance and possibilities for when Starkiller was complete.

 

Hux was a renowned strategist within the First Order which, along with his designs for Starkiller, had been the primary reason for his successful promotions and eventual placement as General. Hux's success rate for missions he planned was unmatched both in terms of maximum damage and limited losses. Over the years he had been open to suggestions from Phasma regarding troop orders, and Mitaka regarding political implications of various decisions, but Hux had never willingly deferred a decision to Ren unless ordered by Snoke.

 

However, as time passed Ren became more vocal about different perspectives on how to handle a lot of missions, diplomatic and otherwise. And when Hux gave Ren the benefit of the doubt and considered his words, Hux was forced to realize that Ren wasn't just physically stunning, but had a sharply intelligent mind as well.

 

Which really wasn't fair at all, Hux decided. Though it did mean he had found something Ren was willing to discuss ( _argue_ ) with him rather than pretending that Hux didn't exist as frequently as possible. Hux found that many times he and Ren ended up seated across from one another in the meeting room long after everyone else had given up and left, debating back and forth over which plan of attack would reap the most benefit. Ren's style was more careless than Hux typically preferred, but Hux had to admit that Ren had a knack for knowing which situations would benefit from Hux's troops being particularly aggressive.

 

One such time Hux and Ren debated logistics all the way back to their rooms. After two years Hux knew when Ren was getting riled up even when he was wearing his helmet; there was something about his breathing that just sounded harsher. Yet even two years and two rejections later, Hux hadn't been able to shake the nagging affection he had developed for Ren. It was nice to hold Ren's attention at all but bickering was not Hux's goal.

 

So Hux softened his tone from its defensive bark and was bold. "Perhaps then you would like to accompany me to next month's dinner with the Queen of Tyrlian IV when we discuss trade relations," Hux proposed as they continued to walk in step with one another down the halls. "You and I can see whose theory on how to handle her is victorious."

 

They rounded a corner into the hallway housing both of their rooms and Hux heard a scoffing noise escape Ren's helmet. "I would rather be skewered by my lightsaber." Ren made it five steps down the hall before he realized Hux was no longer matching his pace. Hux watched Ren stop and turn on his heel, cloak billowing out around his ankles, and Hux in that moment just wanted the ground to open up beneath him and swallow him whole.

 

First, what had he been thinking? Ren was a stubborn brat who hated to be wrong; that was the only reason why he indulged these debates with Hux. It wasn't that Ren wanted to spend his time with Hux for any other reason, proven by the fact that Ren avoided engaging Hux as much as possible. And worse than the slight sickness churning Hux's stomach at the disappointment was the realization that he was acting like a heartbroken teenager in front of Ren.

 

Ren, who was definitely staring at Hux across the distance between them, not questioning but _judging_.

 

"Right," Hux cleared his throat. "Of course. I'm sure you don't even own a dress uniform anyway." Hux forced himself to start walking toward and past Ren but tensed when Ren reached out and gripped his upper arm with a gloved hand. " _What_?" he snapped when Ren didn't let go.

 

"Do I need to come to oversee events?" Ren asked quietly, though the distortion of the helmet made the question sound rough.

 

Hux shrugged Ren off with a huff. "I don't need lessons in politics from _you_ ," Hux insisted and then kept walking down the hall and into his own rooms when Ren didn't pursue him.

 

A month later Hux sat to the left of the Queen of Tyrlian IV at a long, expansive dinner table. And although he told himself that having Mitaka sitting beside him was much better for smoothing trade discussion than Ren's imposing mask and glowering disposition, a part of Hux still pined for what he wanted and couldn't have.

 

#

 

When Hux received word that Ren had been recovered from a mission gone wrong and was in medbay with life threatening injuries, Hux ran. It didn't matter that it was the middle of the sleep cycle and Hux had been half-asleep at his desk trying in vain to finish a mountain of paperwork. Hux made it to medbay in record time and pushed his way into one of the private rooms where he saw med-droids and doctors rushing in and out.

 

A hard lump got caught in Hux's throat when his eyes landed on Ren, making it hard to swallow. Ren was laying in the bed, unconscious, the white sheets stained red with blood. Ren was stripped of everything but his pants but Hux couldn't enjoy the view of his bare chest, not when the deep grooves of claw marks were on display and slowly oozing more blood. There was nothing Hux could do to help yet he couldn't leave. He pressed himself into a corner of the room to be out of the way of the doctors and droids all frantically working to bring Ren's vitals back to a stable place.

 

Hux had forgotten his datapad and chronometer in his room but assumed it must've been at least an hour since he arrived before the flurry of activity in the room calmed. Ren was still unconscious but his heartbeat was strong and his wounds had been cleaned and sealed closed to stop the loss of any further blood. Everyone left the room except one droid doing a final scan, and the head doctor who approached Hux where he was still standing in the corner.

 

"We expect a full recovery, General," Lizanne, the head doctor, informed him with a reassuring tone. "He will require at least a few days of bed rest but he should be fully fit again within a week."

 

"Thank you," Hux glanced at her before returning his gaze to Ren's prone form.

 

"We can send updates to your datapad when he awakens," she offered after a moment.

 

"I think I'll stay," Hux decided as he spoke the words.

 

Hux was grateful when Lizanne didn't question him, and instead motioned towards an empty armchair shoved against the wall. "I'll be in my office writing up the reports but the machines will let us know if Lord Ren's vitals take another dip."

 

Hux nodded his understanding and watched her leave before closing the door behind her. Sure, Ren wanted nothing to do with Hux and this attachment of his for the knight, but Ren didn't need to know about this. Hux would merely oversee him for a short while and ensure his health truly was stable. He would disappear long before Ren woke up, and he would have a word with the doctors when he left to make sure they didn't inform Ren of his unwanted visitor.

 

Hux pulled the armchair up to Ren's bedside and sat down, letting out a big sigh he hadn't realized he had been holding. The rejections, disagreements and insults aside, Hux was relieved that Ren was alright, and would heal. The anger Hux had originally felt when Snoke informed him there would be someone sharing his command of the _Finalizer_ was long gone. After over two years of working together, Hux had come to rely on Ren as a constant in his life. And Hux was willing to admit that they had been able to accomplish much more together than they ever would have apart.

 

Alone in the room and a little delirious with relief, Hux tentatively reached forward with a hand and gently pushed a few strands of hair from Ren's face. The black hair was matted with blood but Ren's skin was warm when the back of Hux's fingers brushed Ren's cheek. Hux's fingers continued to trail curiously as he felt stubble along Ren's jaw and then his thumb caught on Ren's full bottom lip. It was then that Hux forced himself to pull his hand away, unwilling to take what wouldn't be given to him if Ren was conscious.

 

It was easier to swallow, the lump in his throat abated now that Hux's concern had lessened. And as adrenaline slowly drained from Hux's body he felt his eyelids grow heavy. Hux didn't trust himself to hold Ren's hand in his own and instead settled his hand on the mattress near Ren's hip. He continued to watch Ren's face, studying how sleep softened it, until Hux's eyes fully drifted closed. At that point he listened to the calm beeping of the machines assuring Hux that Ren was still alive and well.

 

Sleep snuck up on Hux and he didn't realize the sounds of beeping machines were fading until they were already gone. What jolted him awake was the feeling of the mattress shifting against his face and Hux sat bolt upright in his chair in a flash. Disoriented, Hux rubbed sleep from his eyes and deduced from the crick in his neck and shoulders that he had fallen asleep with his head on the edge of the mattress. And when he noticed that Ren was awake and giving him a hard stare, Hux felt his stomach clench with nerves.

 

"Why are you here?" Ren muttered, frowning as his stare turned more puzzled.

 

Hux didn't know what to say, where to begin. "I..."

 

Ren's eyebrows knit together with anger. "I don't want you here. Get out!"

 

Hux stood from the chair so quickly he nearly tripped over it. He was still so tired; so worn out from worrying that Ren was going to die. For a brief few seconds earlier in the night Hux had been able to touch Ren and stroke his hair the way he had longed for, but that fantasy wasn't one he could cling to. Ren was making certain to rip it from Hux's grasp and remind him of _exactly_ how little he was wanted; how far away that fantasy truly was.

 

"I'll get the doctor to check on you," Hux choked out the words, trying to hide the way his hands and knees were shaking – whether from exhaustion or heartbreak, Hux didn't know.

 

"No! Just leave me alone!" Ren snapped, his eyes wild and dangerous. The chair Hux had been sitting in moments ago flew backwards against the wall and smashed into splinters.

 

Hux's heart jumped into his throat, racing with a genuine fear for his life. He knew Ren didn't like him but he had never thought Ren would harm him before either. Hux dashed out of the room, ignoring Ren's shout of his name in his wake. Lizanne must've heard the shouting because she exited her office and rushed to Hux with one glance at his face.

 

"Are you alright, General?" she asked worriedly.

 

Hux felt dizzy with how quickly his heart was beating. "He's awake," he said uselessly. "I'm returning to my rooms where I should've gone hours ago."

 

He turned for the door but Lizanne caught his wrist, stilling him. "You're as pale as a sheet," she assessed, and Hux believed her.

 

Hux barked a humourless laugh and shook her off gently. "His reaction was no more than I deserved for being so foolish. Thank you for your concern, doctor," he said and left before she could say anything else.

 

#

 

Days passed. Hux received updates on Ren's recovery and eventual release from the medbay on his datapad but he didn't dare visit a second time. Instead Hux kept himself busy with completing the paperwork he had temporarily abandoned and overseeing progress on Starkiller, which was nearing the end of the construction stage and would soon begin testing. He reviewed the damage done to Ren's shuttle from the mission gone awry and approved funding for its repair, and assured Snoke upon his request that Ren was recovering and would soon be well enough to hold his own conference with the Supreme Leader.

 

It was business as usual aboard the _Finalizer_ and Hux could almost forget his foolish mistake visiting Ren and falling asleep at his bedside in the medbay. _Almost_. Each time the memory flared up in his mind Hux felt flushed with embarrassment. He was genuinely thankful that he hadn't run into Ren since leaving the medbay, and when Hux changed his schedule for visiting the gym he hoped he could continue avoiding Ren for as long as possible.

 

Hux managed to avoid Ren for two whole weeks, but he knew it couldn't last.

 

Hux was in his rooms seated at his desk, dozing over his paperwork. He had started the bad habit of avoiding sleep and the dreams that plagued him where Ren woke up to find Hux at his bedside and had a different reaction. Mitaka had commented on the dark shadows under Hux's eyes only once, Hux's warning glare enough to shut him up but not stop the lieutenant from worrying. Whether or not the rest of the crew noticed, Hux didn't care; he was still completing his job fully and without error.

 

If Hux was good for nothing but running this ship and aiding the completion of Starkiller, Hux would ensure there would be nothing in his actions for people to criticize.

 

A hand on his shoulder startled Hux back to wakefulness, though a muddled variation of it where he struggled to comprehend what he was seeing. "What are you doing in my room?" Hux grumbled as he shoved Ren's gloved hand off his shoulder. Hux rested his head back against the chair, eyes still half-lidded with exhaustion too powerful for the small burst of adrenaline in his body to fight.

 

"You weren't answering your comm," Ren explained, voice monotone through the helmet.

 

Hux scoffed. "Don't act like you worried enough to come check on me."

 

Ren continued to stand rigidly in front of him. "Lieutenant Mitaka requested I check on you."

 

The noise that escaped Hux's lips was meant to be a laugh but to his horror it sounded more like a sob. "Of course; how foolish of me to think you cared."

 

There was a moment of silence between them and then Hux watched Ren unclasp and remove his helmet, setting it aside on Hux's desk. Hux looked away to stare at the wall, unwilling to meet Ren's gaze and see whatever humour or contempt was in those expressive eyes when Ren looked at him. "You haven't been sleeping," Ren accused.

 

"So?" Hux fired back. "Name one duty as General I've failed to fulfill."

 

"That's not the point."

 

"Then what is?" Hux snapped. He sent Ren a quick glare before looking away again.

 

This time Ren's gloved hand cupped Hux's cheek and turned his face back, not allowing him to look anywhere but directly at Ren. "The point is that you haven't been yourself."

 

"You don't know me," Hux insisted, though weak as he was with exhaustion, he didn't have the strength to pull away from Ren's touch. It was what he had yearned for during the last two years. Even with the gloves on Hux could feel the warmth of Ren's skin.

 

"Don't I?" Ren knelt beside Hux's chair. Their gazes remained locked and his hand didn't leave Hux's cheek. "I'd say you know me better than anyone else on this ship, and I thought I had that privilege in return."

 

At first it seemed like a foolish notion considering how often Ren sought to avoid him. But then Hux realized that although he spoke with Phasma and Mitaka more frequently, he rarely let his guard down to act anything but fully professional with them. Whereas he and Ren usually spoke freely, unburdened by propriety and politics. And to know that Ren felt he had knowingly shared more of himself with Hux than anyone else on board...

 

Before Hux could think of what to say, Ren continued. "Now I may not know what the problem is but—"

 

And this time Hux _did_ laugh, and it was a harsh, broken-sounding thing. "Kriff," he shook his head. "You don't even _know_."

 

"Know _what_?" Ren frowned, looking frustrated by his own confusion.

 

Hux rolled his eyes. He wasn't going to admit it. Not now, after years. "I thought you Force wielders were supposed to be mind readers," he said. Hux had always assumed Ren picked up on Hux's interest but made it clear the feelings would not be reciprocated. Now Hux had to accept the truth that Ren hadn't rejected Hux because he knew Hux's feelings, but simply because he didn't want Hux around.

 

Ren was still frowning. "Snoke forbade me from entering your mind at any time."

 

Hux took a shaky breath. "I'm sure that was for the best."

 

Ren's hand moved from cupping Hux's cheek to holding the back of his neck. Hux was pulled forward in his chair until his forehead was pressed against Ren's own, and Hux didn't even try to pull away. "What are you hiding?" Ren whispered, and while it sounded like a demand, Hux didn't feel another presence tearing his mind open for the answer.

 

"Don't make me say it," Hux begged, eyes clenched closed. Because he couldn't handle Ren knowing Hux's feelings with absolute certainty and still reject him.

 

 _Trust me_ , Ren's voice in Hux's head soothed.

 

And Hux opened himself up, allowing Ren to see everything. The initial intimidation followed by smitten attraction and then lust. The respect Hux developed for Ren's strength and intellect, and his longing to be respected and desired in return. The hope dashed over and over by Ren's rejections, reminding Hux that he was good for nothing but doing his job as General. The fear at the thought of Ren dying, and the sorrowful ache at being told he wasn't wanted and being sent away.

 

Hux felt Ren lean away and when Hux opened his eyes he saw Ren was looking at him with wide eyes. “I had no idea,” Ren admitted in a hushed tone.

 

“Well now you do so _go_ ,” Hux pulled away from Ren’s limp hand. “Go and have your laugh, but elsewhere.”

 

Ren’s hand cradled the back of Hux’s neck again, not letting him escape. “I’m not laughing, Hux,” Ren pointed out. “And I’m not going anywhere. There’s something you must see in return.” Ren brought their foreheads back together and Hux felt his mind opening up to Ren as if any mental barrier he formerly had was gone. The way Ren sent Hux thoughts and images in return was gentle, though what he saw shocked Hux to his core.

 

He experienced the attraction and respect Ren had adopted for Hux almost from the beginning. Hux also felt Ren’s denial of ever considering such a possibility between them. Because he was _weak—unwanted—unlovable_ and could never match such a skilled and inspiring General. Then came the mental insistence that hoping for anything with Hux would just lead to the same pain Ren felt when his family bonds unraveled and abandoned him. Hux felt Ren’s self-hatred and the way it buried any hope or interest in Hux so deep it nearly winked out of existence. Hux re-experienced Ren’s rejections of him but from a new perspective, taking in Ren’s fear at being seen as weak or giving in to a hope he didn’t want to entertain.

 

When the mental transference was finished and Ren’s presence left his mind, Hux found his face wet and itchy with tears. Ren removed his gloves to set them aside and then with warm fingers brushed Hux’s tears away. “You need sleep,” Ren told him quietly.

 

Hux wanted to argue, fearful that if they broke this moment between them they would never get another chance. But Hux couldn’t deny Ren anything right now, not now that he knew they had both been hurting and alone over the last two years. He leaned into Ren’s touch and nodded, allowing Ren to hoist him out of the desk chair and lead him into the bedroom. Ren sat him on the edge of the bed and then knelt down to pull off Hux’s boots and set them out of the way.

 

“Are you going to leave?” Hux wondered as he watched Ren finish and stand in front of him. Hux had seen Ren’s desire for him in return, but he also had to remember that Ren had buried that desire deep and nearly forgotten about it over the years. He didn’t know what these confessions meant for them. Ren now knew with certainty that he was not unloved and unwanted, but there was still fear and self-hatred in him.

 

“I can if you want me to,” Ren said, shifting his weight like he didn’t know what to do with himself.

 

Hux gave him a tired glare. “Don’t be obtuse.” He swallowed, steeling his courage to brace for one final rejection. “You know I want you to stay.”

 

Ren wavered. Hux’s heart clenched and he forgot to breathe.

 

At last Ren stepped closer until he was standing between Hux’s knees. Both of his large hands reached down to frame Hux’s face, tilt it upwards and… Hux melted when their lips brushed for the first time. It was such a shy, tentative gesture, but it was all Hux needed to feel his years of loneliness drain away to leave space for a consuming warmth to fill him up. Hux wrapped his arms around Ren’s neck and reeled him in closer, deepening the kiss to ensure Ren knew exactly how badly Hux had wanted this, wanted _him_. Ren moaned and locked their lips together more firmly, encouraged by Hux’s actions.

 

The feel of Ren’s lips against his own was addicting and heady, and it made Hux greedy for more. Keeping his arms around Ren’s neck, Hux dug his fingers into the loose strands of Ren’s hair and then started to lean backwards, harnessing gravity to pull Ren down with his own weight. Ren pursued Hux’s lips but then held himself up on his hands above Hux who was lying on the mattress, keeping some distance between them.

 

“You need sleep,” Ren stated again, though he didn’t sound very insistent.

 

Displeased by the lack of contact between their bodies, Hux hooked his legs around Ren’s waist to bring their groins together. They both moaned at the sensation of their clothed erections rubbing together. “This is going to do me a lot more good, I assure you,” Hux said. Ren worried his bottom lip between his teeth and Hux rolled his hips up a second time. “Ren, _please_. I need this.”

 

“Kriff,” Ren cursed and then surged forward to kiss Hux hard enough that he saw stars. Only when they were both starved for air did they break apart, both of them panting as their skin flushed with arousal. “What about—supplies?” Ren asked between gulps for oxygen.

 

“Medicine cabinet in the refresher,” Hux said, eyes taking in every detail of Ren’s face and wild eyes.

 

When Ren stood and walked to the refresher, Hux pulled his shirt, pants and underwear off and moved to the middle of the bed. Ren returned quickly and, after setting a condom and the lube on the mattress, rushed to remove each layer of his clothing to drop into heaps on the floor. Hux’s eyes explored Ren’s exposed skin openly until Ren was pulling his underwear off and his erection was freed. Hux took in the shape of it and the way it twitched in the air. Hux wanted it in his hand, his mouth, his ass, but when Ren knelt above him and kissed him again Hux decided he would take what was given.

 

It had been years since Hux had kissed someone and judging by the glimpse he had been given of Ren’s mind, it had been even longer for him. They spent a few minutes experimenting with what the other liked, teasing with tongue and teeth, but always returning to the heated locking of lips until Hux wondered if he would have a bruised mouth the following morning. When Hux’s patience wore thin he reached down and wrapped a fist around Ren’s cock, precome smearing against his palm and aiding his movements when Hux began to stroke Ren’s length.

 

Ren broke away from the kiss with a full-body shudder and a groan and then ducked down to begin sucking marks to the skin of Hux’s neck, chest and abdomen. As Ren moved down his body, Hux could no longer reach Ren’s cock. He didn’t complain though, instead crying out when Ren took Hux’s erection into his mouth and sucked hard on the head and then down the shaft. Hux’s hips rose off the bed, seeking more, and he moaned when Ren used his weight to pin Hux back down onto the mattress.

 

Ren’s technique was a bit hesitant and sloppy but Hux couldn’t fault him for his inexperience. If anything, Hux was more turned on knowing this was going to be a collection of firsts they would share together. Hux knotted his fingers in Ren’s hair and squirmed against the strength of Ren’s hands, panting as Ren continued to suck him off. Hux knew with certainty that he could finish in Ren’s mouth but he was greedy and wanted more, wanted to be claimed by Ren in every way. So he tugged at Ren’s hair until the man released Hux’s cock with a wet _pop_ and looked up at him.

 

“I want you to fuck me,” Hux said, not caring that it sounded more like a plea.

 

Ren’s eyes were dark and his lips swollen from the blow job. He crawled back up the bed and kissed Hux’s breath away, Hux undeterred by the taste of himself on Ren’s tongue. After that Ren grabbed the lube and resettled between Hux’s legs, carefully slipping one slick finger inside Hux’s body. It felt good but it wasn’t enough, and Hux demanded a second one almost immediately. Two fingers caused more of a burn at the base of Hux’s spine but Ren went slow, stroking Hux with his other hand to distract him until pain turned to pleasure.

 

It took them a few minutes to work up to the third finger and get Hux’s body stretched until he was rocking down on the intrusion, wanting more. Despite Ren’s general tendency towards impatience, he moved slowly in prepping Hux and Hux melted under the attention, feeling genuinely cherished. Hux had endured over two years of rejection and heartache but things had worked out, and Ren had confirmed this wasn’t one-sided.

 

Once Hux was properly stretched, Ren rolled on a condom and spread more lube over his cock. Hux bent his knees in preparation but felt a clench of uncertainty in his chest when Ren hesitated between Hux’s legs. Ren leaned over Hux and gave Hux a searching look. “You should know, before… that, um,” Ren struggled with whatever he was trying to say, and then ducked down to kiss Hux softly. If the brush of Ren’s lips wasn’t enough to reassure Hux, the sentiments Ren sent him telepathically did.

 

_Respect, attraction, intrigue, pride, protectiveness, affection, love, love, love…_

 

Hux broke away from the kiss only to cry out a moan as Ren slowly slid himself inside Hux’s body. Hux’s head was still swimming with Ren’s feelings for him as his body stretched and accepted Ren into himself. It felt so good to have Ren inside him, bottoming out until Hux was completely _full_ of Ren’s cock; and to have the confirmation of Ren’s love filling him up just as effectively. Hux pulled Ren down into another kiss and attempted to project everything he felt in return, and knew he had succeeded when Ren moaned into his mouth and started to thrust into Hux’s body with need.

 

They couldn’t kiss forever, too out of breath and caught up in the pleasure of their bodies joined so intimately. “I won’t last long,” Ren warned him breathlessly, looking regretful.

 

Hux wrapped his legs around Ren’s waist to deepen the angle and kissed Ren’s jaw. “I won’t either,” he promised, already feeling the warning coil of heat in his gut winding tighter.

 

With the change in angle Ren started to thrust against Hux’s prostate and Hux scraped his nails across whatever skin he could mark. The room was filled with the wet sounds of skin slapping together and their harsh breathing, which only pushed Hux closer to the edge. Ren was the first one to finish with a drawn-out groan as his hips froze and then twitched against Hux’s ass. Although with the condom on Hux couldn’t feel the heat of Ren’s seed, he could imagine it and it was enough to send him over the edge as well with a bowed back and one, tired sob.

 

They collapsed together as a tangle of limbs on the mattress when they were spent, and they lay there until they started to shiver with the chill of the air. Ren withdrew from Hux’s body carefully and tied off the condom, standing on shaky legs to chuck it in the refresher garbage. Hux crawled under the sheets but forced his eyes to stay open until Ren returned to the bedroom and joined him under the covers. “Is this okay?” Ren asked when he spooned Hux from behind and wrapped a warm arm around Hux’s middle.

 

“More than,” Hux confirmed, and then yawned.

 

“I’m sorry I broke the chair and sent you away,” Ren apologized, nose nuzzling the back of Hux’s neck.

 

After being given insight into Ren’s mind, Hux understood Ren’s perspective and couldn’t find a reason to be angry. There was one thing he wanted to clarify though. “Did Mitaka really send you here to check on me?”

 

“No,” Ren admitted. “I came on my own.”

 

Ren hugged Hux closer and Hux smiled into his pillow, reaching down to lace his fingers between Ren’s own. Hux allowed his mind to drift into unconsciousness with the knowledge that Ren was his as he was Ren’s, and that they had a lot to explore and look forward to together.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](http://onewhositswiththeturtles.tumblr.com/)


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